Thursday, February 28, 2008

On Being Perfect (28-Feb-2008)

I'll let you decide if this was ingenious or just plain lazy but I decided to complete three of this week's assignements in one poem. So here for your consideration are the Poefusion Friday 5 and 3WW in the ReadWritePoem requested pantoum form.

On Being Perfect


He tied his life in parcels small
Each bound tight with bits of string
Then hung with care upon a wall
Apologies owed for not a thing.

Each bound tight with bits of string
A mural made for all to see;
Apologies owed for not a thing
His life so tidy; nothing free.

A mural made for all to see;
Considered him in light so bright.
His life so tidy; nothing free,
So all his faults could not take flight.

Considered him in light so bright.
Dilated eyes with vision blurred
So all his faults could not take flight
His past in present deep interred.

Dilated eyes with vision blurred
His life to all now unkempt seemed.
His past in present deep interred
And distant gone was all he dreamed.

His life to all now unkempt seemed
Yet in such light no place to hide
And distant gone was all he dreamed
His muraled wall the truth decried.

Yet in such light no place to hide
His parcels seeping poison stored.
His muraled wall the truth decried
A heart of vinegar his reward.

13 comments:

paisley said...

WOW now that was some fancy word work!!! i have not really thought about creating a pantoum till i read this.. i am uncomfortable with such repetitions... but you made it all work out so well,,, i must admit i am temepted... excellent write!!!!

Michelle Johnson said...

Your Pantoum with all the challenge words is the best I have ever read of this form. You have impressed me. I attempted one before but, mine doesn't hold a candle to yours. Now, I might just have to try another one sometime. Thanks for sharing. Have a nice night.

tumblewords said...

Okay! I'm impressed, impressed! I had to look for the prompt words and for the rhyme - to me, that's a good sign!

lissa said...

I actually like the repetition as it empower each the words more.

I agree with the others, you've done well in this form.

TC said...

The repetition made me think harder about it. Nicely done.

The Phantom said...

I am deeply, deeply touched by all the kind words. I am finding constraints to be a useful tool to force me out of the rut of writing poems about my lost love.

Jane Doe said...

That was amazing, I am impressed! Great job. I loved the repetitions.

watermaid said...

I would have considered the pantoum constraint enough without eight word prompts. Well done! I'm now going to see if I can write one. Maybe I'll just use 3WW as I haven't written anything for that yet.

Amarettogirl said...

I'm not going to try to write a pantoum - I'll leave that to you!! Absolutely fantastic work here! pacing, rhyming, sin-song tone, but best of all - i am visual and to see those tiny parcels tied up on his wall was just creative and beautiful!

gautami tripathy said...

I have written two pantoums till date. I like the structure. The repeat lines work so well here. Stronger the refrain, better it is.

lubricating

Russell Ragsdale said...

Pantoums are great! This was really good. Enjoyed it very much!

LittleWing said...

it is a beautiful pantoum poem you have written of your life in small perfect parcels on the wall... i look forward to reading more...

The Phantom said...

Nice catch littlewing...this is, in fact, partly autobiographical as it relates to a younger, less forgiving, version of me. Those days are largely behind me but, as with all demons, they never leave us completely and we need to be on guard lest they overtake us again.