Friday, March 21, 2008

Wounded Mosaic (21-Mar-2008)

Lazy as ever, here are this week's Three Word Wednesday, and Poefusion's Friday 5, and Monday Mural.

This took considerable time to work out and when I finished I realized I could order the couplets into a light rhyme scheme. But to do that effectively I had to lengthen the poem. I'm still not sure I'm completely satisfied with the result but it is what it is: finished.

Wounded Mosaic



broken Pieces
assembled Oddly
shattered Life
ever Tangled
fenced Mind
trained Harshly
spent Money
poorly Bartered
open Wound
never Kissed
provoked Thought
not Understood
cracked Smile
faintly Simpering
missing Self
forgotten Good
tear-stained Vail
fully Sodden
hurting Hand
wanting Gloved
brittle Soul
shamefully Hidden
lost Heart
needing Love


As promised, here is the original ordering of the lines. This is how they came to me. Somewhere around the half-way point, I realized they would need reordered and concentrated on just making the pairings. I initialy tried to find a thematic way to order them but after looking at them, I saw that there were some that nearly rhymed and used that to organize them. Once finished, I saw that I was short and had to create a few more.

Original ordering

broken Pieces
assembled Oddly
shattered Life
ever Tangled
brittle Soul
shamefully Hidden
lost Heart
needing Love
fenced Mind
trained Harshly
open Wound
never Kissed
cracked Smile
faintly Simpering
spent Money
poorly Bartered
provoked Thought
not Understood
missing Self
forgotten Good
tear-stained Vail
fully Sodden
hurting Hand
wanting Gloved


I must also admit to changing some of the words to meet the prompts. The original line, which I still like better, was


open Wound
never Healed


but I realized I hadn't used "kiss" yet so changed it. But I can see it either way as kissing a wound evokes images of a mother caring for a hurt child which does fit the sense of the poem.

9 comments:

paisley said...

well i don't know what it looked like to begin with... but the sound pattern and the rhythm are divine.. and to me that matters a lot more than the length of the lines.....

The Phantom said...

Thank you, you are too kind. It is interesting to see the original and how the rearrangement improves things...maybe tomorrow I'll post it in this entry for comparison.

tumblewords said...

Interesting format - it lends itself to strength. The short lines are hard hitting... Fun! Nice!

lissa said...

"cracked Smile
faintly Simpering"

I really like that. And the all lines somehow go so well together.

Michelle Johnson said...

Hello, Phantom~ Your poem is very artistic having used more than one prompt. And, I wouldn't worry to much about your line length. It works well and has a nice rhythm as Paisley suggested. Keep up the good work. Have a nice day.

Russell Ragsdale said...

I actually prefer your final version. Between brittle biternes and the sorrows that seem to drown, this is a fine, well tuned instrument. Liked the sopping vail. The line arrangement in very interesting. Good job!

TC said...

I am amazed that you can put all of those together!! I sometimes struggle with just three words!

OneMoreBeliever said...

the gloved hand...hmmm, interesting....

Greyscale Territory said...

The sodden tear-stained veil was really a powerful image here!

Loved the softly undulating rhythms ~ like small waves running in to a beach.

Beautiful!

Gemma